Match report 12/04/02.

Lads, despite casting a withering glance towards Leon's dubious team selection (how can me and Leon be in the same side - we're far too similar?), there was a genuine whiff of anticipation, dog sh*t, and dry boke, in the air.

We were in Townhead, after all.

The teams were picked on the basis of Brain versus Brawn, Skill versus Strength, David versus......David.

Leon, Chris, Iain C, Iain H and Ronnie all knew it would be backs to the wall - but we're all like that when Andy plays anyway. The game itself was no classic, however, the final outcome seemed a cut and dry certainty in the first half hour CFT (Cheese Factory Time), with Leon & Co romping away to a 9 goal lead.

The goals dried up, however, and McQuillan, Conaghan, G Campbell, Morris and Liddell sensed the opportunity to claw back the deficit for an incredible, if slightly unbelievable, victory.

Alas not to be. Leon, Iain C, Chris, and Ronnie marked like a Serie A defence, and pulled away with some stunning sucker-punch football, the likes of which the writer hadn't seen since the previous Wednesday.

MARKS OUT OF 10

THE VICTORS

THE LAWMAN:

Mr Hendry, to yooz, played the first half hour like the proverbial cobra, posing an almost genuine threat up front, however as expected the dross and sh*te rose to the surface, in particular when he played a one two with the post, and when it seemed easier to score sliced the ball 27 feet from goal - backwards. Also involved in a fracas with big Gary on the wing, leaving Mr H lying on his back, squealing "rape". Only on further questioning in the bar afterwards did we discover he'd actually got his foot trapped beneath one of the boards. "Ye Gods!" as he would say himself. First half hour 8/10 - second half hour 3/10.

IAIN C:

Most improved player over last 4 weeks - gone from abysmally rank to merely pish, a considerable step up for the lad with the lovely green bibs - which are indeed a lucky omen. 7/10

RONNIE:

Man of the match - I swear his belly is getting bigger by the week - perhaps a sympathy pregancy? however was outstanding from the outset - scored goals and strutted about with that usual air of nonchelance. I don't usually give 10/10, so 9/10.

LEON:

Picked the teams, which looked soooo unfair, very nearly caused me to pull out, but that's just what they were expecting me to do. The Terminator took the proverbial captains armband, and led from the front, back, middle and in goals, barking instructions to the team "nooo Chris not there, God why are you so slow?" 8/10

CHRIS:

Scored a half-way line ripper as the opening goal of the game, although slightly disappointed I didn't hit the top corner. Not brilliant, but got stuck in with the rest of the cluggers, and despite clinging on for the last 20 minutes, held on for my 5th consecutive victory. 7/10.

THE LOSERS

ANDY MCQ:

Turning rapidly into a bitter twisted fag-smoking old gin queen, whenever you mention how good he used to be, Andy once again rarely shone, although has other things on his mind right now apparently. 5/10.

HARRY:

Football these days is all about funtioning within a team, with little time and space for the old classic "beat 7 players, fire in a deadly cross ball, and find Big Boris McGraw at the back post" winger. These players are luxuries, and Harry is just that. Well, maybe he's not even that - apart from a couple of nice finishes, and buying a round in the Hogshead, I have no further recollection of Harold's performance. 6/10.

GRAEME:

Possibly the best of the bad bunch, Graeme twisted and turned and tormented me for all of 10 minutes in one move, before eventually thinking, "ach sod it, I'll score now", 'megging me, and slotting the ball into the net. Humiliating. More so cos I taught the boy everything I know. 7/10.

NEIL:

Spectacularly slack, and now enjoying the same lack of pace which has tormented me over the last 10 years. Even the trademark nutmegs are no longer coming off - calls in the press for a spell in the reserves? Nice car, and nice bird though, so why worry about football? 4/10.

GARY:

Big Gazza failed to perform on the night, and although appears intimidating, is as soft as Andy's sh*te. Kidding big man, kidding! 4/10.

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