JV 08 02 27D National Insurance number tatooed on
left forearm, and easy reminder required whenever signing on during his
15
years at the local buroo.
HAIRSTYLE:
Went from ankle-length "Cousin It" job to dramatically short
"psycho" number you see today. Had it cut after McQuillan kept
threatening
to set it alight during one of their many arguments. Also cut to change
identity whilst on the run from several agencies, namely Access and
Visa.
FAVOURITE FILM:
Day of the Jackal or Throbbing Nuns with Extra Chunky
Asses
II.
PLAYING STYLE:
Sh*t. Possibly the worst striker in Scottish football
until
Iain Hendry blasted onto the scene. Despite being lambasted by the
local
gutter press, he has however improved to a point where there is no
longer
any need to send someone out the park to collect the ball when Iain
lines up
a shot - generally the 20ft net behind the goals will suffice - a marked
improvement.
CAREER HIGHLIGHT:
leathering McQuillan during a drunken rampage, and
also
(apparently) pissing on Andy's hi-fi during another shameful binge.
Also
part of the infamous famous five on another Carlsberg-fuelled binge at
the
Pitz (see Colin Richardson - highlights) Football-wise? He plays
football?
AND ANOTHER THING:
Ever the enthusiastic horticulturalist, Iain has been
known to pish in his giant plant pot at his flat in Cessnock, Glasgow.
"A
gentle spurt cannae hurt" as he cheerily proclaims in his delightful
local
twang, whilst cutting loose into a nearby geranium. Now stores his
urine in
ginger bottles, because, and I quote, "one day this stuff could make me
a
fortune".
CATCHPHRASE:
"Have you had enough or do you want some more?" Works for
most situations, football, mates, girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, and other
species.
